If we have mixed feelings about faith, or are unsure whether we are feeling the right things, or unable to get away from feelings of guilt, it helps to know that we are not alone.
John Wesley wrestled with difficult feelings on his journey of faith. Although already an ordained minister in the Church of England, he did not feel he was truly loved and forgiven by God until the famous moment described in his journal for 24 May 1738. (below)
John Wesley did not give up on his search - he actually did go and listen, even if very unwillingly. He put himself in the right place, and found that God gave him freely the sense of joy and assurance he was looking for.
Our faith rests not on our own feelings, but on the promises of a faithful God.
"In the evening I went very unwillingly to a society at Aldersgate Street, where one was reading from Luther's preface to the Epistle to the Romans. About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change that God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed. I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone, for salvation. And an assurance was given me that he had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death."
John Wesley