Papyrus and the Deacon

Trigger warning: this article discusses work around the area of suicide. Please be mindful of your own wellbeing and only read it if you are in a good place to cope with the topic. Should you find it triggering, then please contact one of the charities (or others known to you) listed at the end.

Deacon Helen Coleman has been working in suicide prevention and suicide bereavement since discovering that her teenage daughter had suicide ideation. This led to her seeking information and training, which eventually led to supporting people in the community as part of her work, first in Cornwall, and then in the northwest.

Representing the church at a multi-agency ‘Towards Zero Suicide’ gathering in Truro, Helen listened to the visiting speaker who had lost his son to suicide. The grief was choking, but he spoke powerfully about the need to work on suicide prevention so that other parents/families didn’t have to face the same pain. He represented Papyrus, a charity Helen had not heard of, but discovered that it was based in Warrington, where she was about to be moved to. She saw this not as coincidence but God-incidence.

More recently, Three Dads Walking struck a chord with the nation – three parents who had each lost a child to suicide, putting their best foot forward to raise awareness and funds for Papyrus, the prevention of young suicide charity. On moving to Warrington to be in the Sankey Valley Circuit, Helen made contact with the CEO, Ged Flynn and so began a role that developed over the following years. Deacon Helen is unofficial chaplain to Papyrus. Her role is not defined, but alongside pastoral support of staff, she has been involved in developing suicide prevention material for schools, enabling an online forum for ‘those living with someone who is suicidal’, recording a video ‘To Other Mums’ and more recently has worked with Papyrus and The Office of National Statistics on a research project.

A formative experience for Helen was as a Street Pastor in Cornwall, where she recalls talking to a man at two o'clock in the morning, outside a nightclub, who shared that he was suicidal. He had lost everything and this was to have been his last night out. Helen listened to him and when the conversation was coming to an appropriate end, Helen confirmed with him that he was safe to go home. While she had signposted him to support services, she wondered what had happened to the man. Months later, back at the nightclub with the Street Pastors, he came over and thanked her for saving his life. The relief was immense! Praise God! Knowing that her one intervention had made such a difference was a huge encouragement and affirmation of the training she had taken.

Following on from this Helen enabled a Suicide Prevention training evening for the other local Street Pastors, which some took further, accessing A.S.I.S.T – Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training – a two day course on suicide first aid intervention.

Helen says that her work has shown her the importance of asking how someone is really feeling and not accepting ‘I’m fine’ as a good enough answer. She is clear that while she can offer support and a listening ear, this doesn’t negate the importance of signposting to Papyrus, Samaritans, mental health charities or calling 999.

One of the questions Helen regularly gets asked is what should you do as a minister/friend/family member if you suspect, or somebody tells you, that they're feeling suicidal? She is clear; don’t dismiss it, acknowledge it and be direct; “It's not going to put an idea in their head. We teach children about all sorts of dangers, understanding that it’s about prevention, and it’s the same here, using the word ‘suicide’ can open the door for a person to speak. Often they won't say that they’re feeling suicidal because they don't want to be rejected or to shock the person they're speaking to. However, if you've already said it, they can almost breathe a sigh of relief and go, “actually, yes” and get the help and support they need.”

For those who are living on that knife edge of having someone they love finding life too hard or painful to live, Helen knows that reality and assures you that “You're not on your own. I felt very isolated. There was nobody I knew who I could turn to who actually understood what it was like. And yet, a few years on, I'm aware of so many people who live with this constant stress and strain and worry”. This is one area that Papyrus has developed since Helen has engaged with the charity – supporting those living with a person who’s suicidal. Knowing that their Hopeline is available, not just for those overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, but for those supporting them too – family, friends, teachers, faith leaders… Anyone can access support before or after any conversation or intervention. The advice and support of Papyrus is free through phone, text or email.

One of the issues Helen says she has learnt from personal experience is the ripple effect on those around somebody who takes their life by suicide. This can be family members, friends, work colleagues, neighbours, or the person they may nod to whilst waiting for the bus. The questions and nagging guilt can be corrosive, the ‘what if's’?, 'What if I'd...', and we can never know, but the ripples of shock and grief can spread right across a community.

“It can be easy to dwell in that guilt, but we have to eventually accept that the only person who can make the decision as to what's going to happen with their life is the person themselves, and that's really, really hard. I speak as a parent at this point. I have spent hours on the phone talking my daughter to a safe space and then later the same night I have done the emergency rush to hospital because something else triggered and she tried to take her life. Even though I can see her worth, that’s not enough. I’ve then needed to support her afterwards when she’s been so angry that she'd not succeeded.”

For Deacon Helen, her faith plays a central role in her work with suicide prevention and sustains her. She says “I believe in the living, loving God who knows us and loves us completely. I think of psalm 139 that says that ‘we're fearfully and wonderfully made’. Made in the image of God. Every person, no matter what they’ve gone, or are going through, is precious, is of worth.”

“I have little cards I give out whenever I can, that say ‘You Matter’ on a picture of the giant's heart stone from St Michael's Mount. The cards have both Papyrus Hopeline247 and Samaritans contact numbers and also ‘Text4Prayer’ information, a provision I set up for anyone in the community to be able to text us to ask for prayer for anything.”

Deacon Helen says that she “would love to see churches as active safe spaces, places where people know that if they go and say, ‘I'm really struggling’; where the word ‘suicide’ won't be a scary word to say. Where they can be listened to and signposted to the appropriate support. Where there is a core of people trained in A.S.I.S.T. Wouldn’t it be great if every leader and anyone training for ministry could be routinely trained in this?”

It’s very possible that they might also come across someone who needs to talk. At the end of one service, Helen was approached by an elderly lady who came up and shared that 72 years prior, her father took his life. At the time it was illegal to take your own life, so the whole conversation had been brushed away and she and her mother had to get on with life carrying a huge stigma. The day that she met Helen had given her the first opportunity to safely speak about it in all those years and meant a lot to her.

For Deacon Helen, working with Papyrus is a huge privilege and of immense value. Whilst giving what she can, she says that she has learnt a huge amount that gives her a passion to see others trained and empowered to be confident in talking about this difficult topic of suicide, especially in the church. Surely, it’s God’s will that we help people to live – to have life in all its fullness – and to do that, we might first need to know how to help them stay alive.

Support is available from the organisations below


Papyrus HOPELINE247

If you are having thoughts of suicide or are concerned for a young person who might be you can contact HOPELINE247 for confidential support and practical advice.

Call: 0800 068 4141
Text: 88247

SAMARITANS

Samaritans is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope or at risk of suicide.

Call: 116 123

MIND INFOLINE

Mental health problems, where to get help near you, treatment options and advocacy services.

Call: 0300 123 3393