This month we are sharing stories of Welcome within the LGBT community, stories of those who have found their spiritual home and those churches who are offering the invitation that all are welcome in this place.
Here Lou Carias shares her testimony and the realisation she was living a lie before going on to find her true self, a wife and a church.
I knew from an early age that I was a bit different from most of the other girls that I knew. I was a tomboy, I enjoyed playing football and cricket with my brother. I went to church while growing up in the 70’s. I was confirmed and carried out the duties of a server. I was secure in my faith.
From an early age I realised that I was attracted to other girls. I didn’t act on it or share this information with anyone. I had no idea about homosexuality. No one discussed this at all. I had no role models and didn’t feel there was anyone I could talk to. Fear kept me quiet.
I made a decision in my teens to suppress these feelings and try to conform to what I felt everyone wanted from me. I met a nice man, we became friends and a relationship was built from there. By the time I was 21 I had married him. We had moved into a house, got a dog and, on the outside, I had everything.
But within the walls of our home, my husband and I were separate, although friends. I spent my 20’s drinking heavily to stay numb and avoid issues and smoked many cigarettes. I managed to maintain my job and reputation but my life was out of control.
One night in bed I had a surge of intense pain in my chest. My lifestyle was killing me. I was at my lowest ebb, I realised that I had been so good at functioning no one would know why this had happened. People I loved would blame themselves and wonder what they could have done to prevent this. I would not put them through that.
Things had to change.
In quick succession I separated from my husband, stopped the alcohol abuse and other harmful influences. I knew I needed to take better care of myself. I quit my career of 14 years and found a new place to live. These things weren’t easy, but I had started to like myself.
The biggest challenge was finally admitting the thing I could not change. I was gay. Trying to pretend otherwise had nearly cost me everything. The process of ‘coming out’ was hard. I was now 30, all my friends and family had no idea.
My close friends didn’t have any issues with homosexuality or prejudices, but the fact that I had lied for so long made just saying the words “I’m gay” really hard. My friends were supportive and saying the words became easier and easier. My family were great. I was still the me they loved and nothing changed. My Dad even said that he had always thought I was gay. I did lose some friends and acquaintances along the way, but I don’t dwell too much on these. Those who know me now, at 50+ years of age, will not know of the struggles that I went through.
I have always believed and had faith in God. What I have struggled to keep faith with is people and religion. It is sad that the idea of an inclusive church is such a new thing or has to be an idea at all. Homosexuality is not a choice, you just are. I still struggle to understand how the message of Jesus can get so lost, that we forget to love and forgive one another on numerous occasions.
In 2008 I met Carolina. We went on our first date on the 8 May and a week later I asked her to marry me. On 4 October that year we married at Bristol Registry Office. The day was perfect. Ours was a civil ceremony, at the time ‘the likes of us’ couldn’t be married in church.
Even today, after introducing Carolina as my wife, some people will amend this to partner or do everything they can not to use the term wife.
The thing about being seen as different or knowing that not everyone in a room welcomes you, is to have a thick skin and count to 10 in your ahead….a lot!
Carolina grew up in a loving Methodist home. Her mother had been a lay preacher doing outreach work with the gangs of Honduras. Carolina’s faith was strong and, from early on in our relationship, she was keen that we should find a church to call home.
We walked into places and immediately felt uncomfortable, for some the sight of a mixed race lesbian couple seems to take the wind out of their sails. Carolina really wanted to visit some Methodist churches and I must admit I was not keen, I never saw myself as anything other than C of E.
It was on a visit to the New Room that things changed. It was a space that felt truly welcoming and to read church leaflets saying positive things about LGBTQ+ meant so much to the both of us.
The decision was made, we would start with our local church Horfield Methodist, the one we had passed so many times and Carolina was always saying “we should go there one day.”
From the very first visit we were made to feel welcome. We stayed for coffee after the service. Lots of people introduced themselves and we had chats with a few. It felt right and we both knew immediately we would be back.
It seems crazy that it took us so long to find a church and when we did find one, it was the one closest to us. We didn’t know what was behind those doors. We couldn’t know that the welcome would be so warm.
Being bold and shouting about how inclusive we are is a must. There are people out there, like us, who have not had great experiences and the thought of walking through a door, to a room full of people who may not be welcoming, is very off-putting. We need to make people realise there is a church family ready and waiting for them and that we are continuing to work and get better at being inclusive to ALL.